Do I Need a Nosejob?

Topless beaches. Nude beaches. Nudist colonies and resorts. We all know they’re out there, and in case you are wondering, they are not populated entirely (or at all!) by the tanned hard-bodies you might be envisioning. These communities are often crawling with people just as out of shape as the guy sitting next to you at the baseball game who plowed his way through four chili cheese dogs, nachos, a cotton candy, then washed it down with six overpriced beers and his son’s milkshake. All this while managing to effortlessly take up a third of your seat!

Sorry to burst your bubble, but nudist groups often consist of an older demographic that cashed in their gym memberships years ago. As uncomfortable as their bodies might make you, one thing we have to give them credit for is that they are certainly comfortable in their own skin. However, let’s look at a few cosmetic procedures that could help turn these sagging, unkempt folks into some serious eye candy.

#1: Liposuction

Nudists are people too- they enjoy sunbathing, throwing the Frisbee, having a casual picnic, and maybe even the occasional karaoke night. It’s just that when the rest of us enjoy these activities we usually have our pants on, right? So to make these activities more aesthetically pleasing, liposuction is the first recommended procedure. The video footage of the weekend at the nude ranch will be much better to look at down the road if viewers can focus more on the results of the intense game of horse shoes and less on Sherri’s dimpled backside.

Liposuction is one of the most common cosmetic procedures performed today, and with good reason. It works! The procedure is used to slim and sculpt the figure, and is versatile enough that it can be used in many problem areas all over the body. Abdomen, hips, thighs, and buttocks liposuction are probably the most common, as these are often areas of the body that accumulate the most stubborn body fat.

#2: Laser Hair Removal

So this one is mainly for the men (hopefully). Let’s be honest, the hair sweater is not en vogue. It never was. Sure it’s natural and to many people, natural is beautiful. That doesn’t mean it’s right. So rather than deal with losing Cheetos in chest hair or having to trim out the gum that somehow ended up entangled in back hair, why not just once and for all get rid of it? Shaving is ok, but it’s going to grow back and there is always the awkward stubble phase. Sure the hair-free nudist may have to start wearing sunscreen on his newly visible skin, but it can be slimming and provides a much cleaner look. Save the sweaters for winter, please.

Laser hair removal is a simple, non invasive procedure that was stumbled upon accidentally by a Russian physicist in the 1980’s. Developing a laser meant for defense purposes, he accidentally lasered his arm, and then noticed that his hairs in the spot where the laser hit were gone! Laser hair removal was born, and technology has gotten so much better today that in typical cases, four to six sessions can effectively rid people of unwanted body hair, permanently. It has also become less and less expensive over the years as well, to the point where almost anyone can afford it. No more excuses!

#3: Breast Lift

Nudists are naked. Why state the obvious? The point is that being naked means no support, and that gravity is allowed to bask in all its pulling glory and force. And gravity is no friend of the human body. The nudist must be even more aware of this fact than the clothes wearing majority, since gravity is literally tugging at them 24/7. So for the sake of those that may happen upon a nude beach or wander into a nudist community, ladies in need of one should have a breast lift. They’ll look better than all the other nudes, feel more youthful, and can finally get a tan on their stomach again! It’s really nothing but a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Breast lift surgery raises and reshapes sagging breasts, giving them a more youthful appearance. It may also refirm the breasts if they have lost substance due to pregnancy or breast feeding. Areolas can be realigned if need be, and a good plastic surgeon will be able to restore the natural suppleness that has diminished over the years. Nudists DO want to be natural, right?

Rebranding the Nudists

So there you have it. Three simple procedures to greatly improve our nudist brothers and sisters. Call it a rebranding if you will. Close your eyes and picture the nudist beach you have long dreamed of finding. A land of perky, tight, sleek, clean people that you just might consider joining for a friendly game of freeze tag and quick dip in the pool. Just make sure your own body is up to par. Get naked if you must, but make sure you look good doing it. For everyone’s sake.